Netflix – Like a $!*#&@? Lady

I’m apparently too old to understand things at this point.

Scenario 1

Me: I did not know what “Netflix and chill” actually meant for a really long time.

Harrison: Wait… really?

Me: No, and I definitely said it to at least one person before I knew what it meant. I thought it meant actually watching Netflix for an extended period of time, which I am really really good at and can completely understand.

Harrison: Sure, by yourself, but when you invite another person to “Netflix and chill,” it means something different. It means you’re doin’ it.

Me: I’m still confused. So if you’re by yourself it means actually watching Netflix…alone? Doing nothing else? But if you invite someone to “Netflix and chill,” it means doin’ it?

A quick aside- Can someone please confirm this for me, so I do not use this incorrectly ever again?

Harrison: Yes.

Me: It never even occurred to me.

Harrison: Think about when we first started dating. You’d come over, the internet wouldn’t work right, or we just wouldn’t watch things that we put on because we were more interested in other things.

Me: I guess that’s true.

Harrison: Now we actually watch stuff and do it later.

Me: Right.

Scenario 2

There’s a song called “Cake by the Ocean.” I’d never heard of it before a co-worker brought it up. My initial thought was that it seemed a little impractical to eat cake while sitting by an ocean. Cake is great; the ocean is lovely, but I don’t know why anyone would want to have those two things together. Obviously sand would contaminate your cake, and it would no longer be an enjoyable dessert.

Little did I know, the word “cake” does not always mean a delicious, fluffy dessert, topped with the frosting of your choosing. Thank you Urban Dictionary for clearing this up for me.

Screen Shot 2016-05-01 at 3.30.14 PM — I would like to assert that I despise the word “pussy.” What the fuck is “caking?”

Screen Shot 2016-05-01 at 3.29.35 PM — And there we have it.

You’ve heard this absurd song whether you know it or not, unless the rock you live under is somehow larger than the one I live under. That’s a Jonas Brother, right?

I still have a lot of questions.

I don’t have a huge circle of friends, which means I don’t have to deal with this crap nearly as often as other people do, but I’ve had some recent encounters with this rather aggravating custom. I have something to say.

Stop it.

Just stop it.

Maybe I’m a weirdo for thinking people should have to put some thought into a gift, and maybe some of you are thinking that registries are great because it takes the guess work out of buying wedding gifts. Fine. That is a perfectly sound argument…for lazy people. That is my first complaint. There is no thoughtfulness required, and I think that sucks.

Here’s the other thing–and maybe I’m completely missing the mark here–but when two people get married, isn’t the idea to set them up for a good start? A nest egg or whatever? So why are you sending me a list of overpriced bullshit that is probably going to end up in the yard sale you have five years from now and later donated to Goodwill when no one wants to buy it from your yard sale. I feel like I’m making bad life choices purchasing a $40 pewter bathroom trash can to serve as an elegant receptacle for snotty tissues and Q-tips covered in ear wax. The things thrown out in the bathroom do not need a shiny place to sit in before they are taken to their landfill grave. There are some excellent little plastic trash cans perfectly capable of holding soiled paper products, and you can get one for under $5. Target special.

What’s wrong with cash? That makes way more sense. Or create a fund for your honeymoon, a down payment on a house, or a year of Netflix. I can totally get behind gifting a year of Netflix. I’m not trying to be an asshole here. If I am invited to a wedding, and there is a registry, I’ll go against my better judgment and purchase something because I realize it’s not about me and what I think is practical. It’s the couple’s day to inconvenience a bunch of people, so I’ll do as I’m asked.

Unless you’re rich and already have a bunch of money and shit you don’t need, in which case you can bite me. Have your guests donate to a charity or something, you greedy son-of-a-bitch.

Here are some items I found on actual registries: