Your wedding registry makes me want to scissor-punch a $48 bath towel

I don’t have a huge circle of friends, which means I don’t have to deal with this crap nearly as often as other people do, but I’ve had some recent encounters with this rather aggravating custom. I have something to say.

Stop it.

Just stop it.

Maybe I’m a weirdo for thinking people should have to put some thought into a gift, and maybe some of you are thinking that registries are great because it takes the guess work out of buying wedding gifts. Fine. That is a perfectly sound argument…for lazy people. That is my first complaint. There is no thoughtfulness required, and I think that sucks.

Here’s the other thing–and maybe I’m completely missing the mark here–but when two people get married, isn’t the idea to set them up for a good start? A nest egg or whatever? So why are you sending me a list of overpriced bullshit that is probably going to end up in the yard sale you have five years from now and later donated to Goodwill when no one wants to buy it from your yard sale. I feel like I’m making bad life choices purchasing a $40 pewter bathroom trash can to serve as an elegant receptacle for snotty tissues and Q-tips covered in ear wax. The things thrown out in the bathroom do not need a shiny place to sit in before they are taken to their landfill grave. There are some excellent little plastic trash cans perfectly capable of holding soiled paper products, and you can get one for under $5. Target special.

What’s wrong with cash? That makes way more sense. Or create a fund for your honeymoon, a down payment on a house, or a year of Netflix. I can totally get behind gifting a year of Netflix. I’m not trying to be an asshole here. If I am invited to a wedding, and there is a registry, I’ll go against my better judgment and purchase something because I realize it’s not about me and what I think is practical. It’s the couple’s day to inconvenience a bunch of people, so I’ll do as I’m asked.

Unless you’re rich and already have a bunch of money and shit you don’t need, in which case you can bite me. Have your guests donate to a charity or something, you greedy son-of-a-bitch.

Here are some items I found on actual registries:

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 7.23.47 PM — I’m on the fence with this one. At least it’s a relatively practical vehicle that should last a long time.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 7.27.40 PM — To match the $40 trash can, of course. Don’t toothbrush holders always end up with that weird toothpaste and spit film on them? Glad that has something shiny to sit on.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 7.31.20 PM — Acceptable. Although, I hope they’re not actually shooting for a mansion. That’s a bit unreasonable.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 7.38.38 PM — Because your dirty clothes need a fancy place to hang out. I don’t get it. This thing also looks like a rotting tree.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 7.43.02 PM — $280 for this thing? Does it do something besides sit there and hold a candle? I’m also fairly certain you can find similar items at your local thrift store.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 7.52.18 PM — What purpose does this serve exactly? It says box, but that is not what boxes look like.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 7.52.36 PM — The people who want this live in a landlocked state. Maybe they want to feel connected to the ocean or something?

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 7.52.51 PM — That horse better sprout a unicorn horn or some wings to fly away, and I better be able to point anywhere on that globe and be instantly transported there.

Screen Shot 2016-04-16 at 7.43.45 PM — I wasn’t kidding about the $48 bath towel. Nope nope nope.

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