Your wedding registry makes me want to scissor-punch a $48 bath towel

I don’t have a huge circle of friends, which means I don’t have to deal with this crap nearly as often as other people do, but I’ve had some recent encounters with this rather aggravating custom. I have something to say.

Stop it.

Just stop it.

Maybe I’m a weirdo for thinking people should have to put some thought into a gift, and maybe some of you are thinking that registries are great because it takes the guess work out of buying wedding gifts. Fine. That is a perfectly sound argument…for lazy people. That is my first complaint. There is no thoughtfulness required, and I think that sucks.

Here’s the other thing–and maybe I’m completely missing the mark here–but when two people get married, isn’t the idea to set them up for a good start? A nest egg or whatever? So why are you sending me a list of overpriced bullshit that is probably going to end up in the yard sale you have five years from now and later donated to Goodwill when no one wants to buy it from your yard sale. I feel like I’m making bad life choices purchasing a $40 pewter bathroom trash can to serve as an elegant receptacle for snotty tissues and Q-tips covered in ear wax. The things thrown out in the bathroom do not need a shiny place to sit in before they are taken to their landfill grave.  There are some excellent little plastic trash cans perfectly capable of holding soiled paper products, and you can get one for under $5. Target special.

What’s wrong with cash? That makes way more sense. Or create a fund for your honeymoon, a down payment on a house, or a year of Netflix. I can totally get behind gifting a year of Netflix. I’m not trying to be an asshole here. If I am invited to a wedding, and there is a registry, I’ll go against my better judgment and purchase something because I realize it’s not about me and what I think is practical. It’s the couple’s day to inconvenience a bunch of people, so I’ll do as I’m asked.

Unless you’re rich and already have a bunch of money and shit you don’t need, in which case you can bite me. Have your guests donate to a charity or something, you greedy son-of-a-bitch.

Here are some items I found on actual registries:

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I’m on the fence with this one. At least it’s a relatively practical vehicle that should last a long time.

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To match the $40 trash can, of course. Don’t toothbrush holders always end up with that weird toothpaste and spit film on them? Glad that has something shiny to sit on.

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Acceptable. Although, I hope they’re not actually shooting for a mansion. That’s a bit unreasonable.

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Because your dirty clothes need a fancy place to hang out. I don’t get it. This thing also looks like a rotting tree.

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$280 for this thing? Does it do something besides sit there and hold a candle? I’m also fairly certain you can find similar items at your local thrift store.

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What purpose does this serve exactly? It says box, but that is not what boxes look like.

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The people who want this live in a landlocked state. Maybe they want to feel connected to the ocean or something?

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That horse better sprout a unicorn horn or some wings to fly away, and I better be able to point anywhere on that globe and be instantly transported there.

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I wasn’t kidding about the $48 bath towel. Nope nope nope.

Dear everyone, please shut up.

Harrison and I celebrated 5 years together last week. We celebrated with cheap Mexican food and a liter of Margaritas. We’re just about the fanciest people I know. We are pretty relaxed about most things in our relationship. Yes, 5 years is a big deal, but talk to me when we hit 50. Even so, I often post a little something on Facebook to mark each year together. I try to make it clever and unique to who we are as people and as a couple. I’ll admit, maybe posting things on Facebook opens me up to comments of the ignorant kind. However, we would all be well-served to think before we post.

One of the things that pisses me off most when people comment on my relationship is when people ask, “When are you getting married?”  “When’s the wedding?” “Why aren’t you married yet?” If you have any of those questions for me, please keep it to yourself. I don’t owe anyone an explanation, and it’s none of your business, especially if the extent of our relationship is that we used to work a crap retail job together, and/or I don’t like you that much, and I am too lazy to delete you from my list of Facebook friends.


My response was snarky enough, but it did not capture the level of rage I was feeling when I read that comment. Seriously, don’t be this person.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.