Does anyone else have this problem? I have tried so many things to knock myself out. There was one night I was honestly concerned I had gone a little overboard because I had a nice cocktail of downers- weed, valerian root, and booze. I still didn’t fucking sleep.
I usually feel tired. Then I close my eyes and then may brain does this:
*Cat collar bell noise* The cats must be playing with each other. I wish we could let them sleep in the bedroom with us. Too bad they would keep me awake all night…Okay, time for sleep now… I wonder how many e-mails and voicemails I’ll have to deal with tomorrow. I hope it’s not a crazy day. I hate work. I hate Mondays. Should I get a bagel or eat oatmeal in the morning? Too bad I’m out of fruit. I would really like a smoothie in the morning. I have to go to the store this week. What night should we go to the store?
…What was that noise? Is someone trying to break in? I hate being on the ground floor. I wish they would put bars on the windows. Maybe there’s a problem with the gas line again. Maybe the building is going to explode. The cats! What if I can’t save them if the building is on fire? What if someone DOES break in? I would probably be on my own because Harrison sleeps through everything. Must be nice. Jesus… I watch too much television. No one is breaking in, and the building is not going to blow up.
…Are those high heels I hear walking down the sidewalk outside? Oh good. She’s talking on the phone at an unnecessarily loud volume while she walks DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF A PLACE PEOPLE LIVE! People are shit. At least the fan drowns out most of the noise. What will I do when it’s too cold to keep the fan on at night? I probably won’t sleep for a week. But right now, I’m roasting. I should get up and point the fan directly at me. Nope. Too much. Now I’m too cold. Will I ever sleep? What time is it? I have to pee. Maybe after I pee, I’ll be able to sleep. Let’s be real, though. Probably not. Maybe I should just go watch TV in the living room until I fall asleep. Except I never fall asleep watching TV. Seriously though, I should probably watch less television.
It escalates quickly. Just so I don’t seem like a complete loon, it might be important to disclose that there was recently a gas leak in my building that originated directly outside my front door. They fixed it… allegedly. Also, Harrison and I noticed that a screen on one of our windows appeared to have been cut by someone, which led me to believe that someone outside wanted to get in. We live in an old apartment building in an urban area. That most definitely comes with some issues.
What the fuck can I do??? I’ve never been a good sleeper, but this is getting ridiculous. I can basically count on not sleeping at all on Sundays. I had come to terms with spending one day a week in a complete fog like I did today, but I don’t bounce back from all-nighters very well anymore. That’s a shitty way to live, even if it is only one day a week. That adds up.
Harrison thinks I need to consult a professional. I have a therapist, but I’m fairly certain she has the equivalent of what Senioritis is in an 18 year old…which means she’s getting close to retirement and is basically phoning it in at this point. I’m welcoming ideas. Medication freaks me out. I’ve heard Ambien horror stories, and there are way too many “thoughts of suicide” side-effect disclaimers on sleeping meds. Tips, tricks, life hacks that do not involve destroying my liver or temporary paralysis? Go…