Time

Do you remember the height of the pandemic when all we had was time? Sure, those of us who were working – remote or otherwise, have kids, or other responsibilities, still had things to do every day. But then when we were finished with our responsibilities, there was nowhere to go and no one to see. As bleak as that time may have been, I have to admit that I kind of miss it. I spent my evenings revisiting movies I used to love and weekends going for walks, reading a book, or going for a drive to a different part of town just to enjoy a change of scenery.

Like so many people during the pandemic, Harrison and I thought a lot about how we were spending our time, our work, our screen time. It was probably the most intentional we had ever been about our time, and the most thought we had ever given to our day-to-day life and activities. We realized how dissatisfied we had become with how we spent 40 hours a week, or often much more than that due to the merging of home life and work life.

We would consider things we could do to spend our time on things that are more fulfilling or enjoyable.

Then, we had an opportunity come our way last year. A bar where Harrison had been producing comedy shows was for sale and had recently closed. The owners had received a few offers they didn’t feel right about, and then they called Harrison.

They offered to sell him the bar for an insanely low price. And by “him,” I mean “us” because especially having been doing this for a few months now, there is no scenario in which he could have done this without my involvement.

We had to move fast. After a whirlwind month of rebranding, hiring a manager, and addressing necessary repairs, we opened a reborn neighborhood bar in November 2021.

It happened so fast that neither of us felt comfortable leaving our day jobs. Though, in hindsight, we may have chosen differently.

In the last two years, we’ve gone from more time than we knew what to do with, to a bit less but still ample amount of time, to not even enough time to grocery shop or take care of personal needs.

We gambled on ourselves and this bar with big dreams that it will someday lead to not only spending our obligatory time on something more meaningful, but that we can help it grow and then let it go and trust that it will sustain us.

We are just at the beginning of seeing this endeavor pay off. We don’t know how long this will take or how much time we’ll have, well, no time.

There are moments when the weight of all of this feels heavier, like when we have to ensure that we make time to care for our aging and chronically ill pets or even considering whether we’ll have time to grieve when they pass. What if we’re sick or we have an emergency? We’re about to have a niece or nephew. Will we have the chance to watch them grow?

When will we be able to take vacations again? When/if our business is making enough money to sustain us, how will we spend our time then? What will be our next move if we are successful, and how much time will that take?

Sometimes, it feels like we’re on borrowed time and everything could come crashing down any second. I continue to wonder how much longer people will confuse us for the previous bar or how much more time we’ll have to spend on unsolicited advice and feedback.

Am I in a rush to see this really take off? Yes. Am I also trying to spend just a second every now and then to take it in when the work pays off? Absolutely.

Time is a weird thing. It’s all taking too long and happening too fast all at once.

The birthday post

Today is my birthday. I always become very introspective around this time every year. I suppose that’s a normal thing to do…reflect on the year. Consider what you’ve done or maybe haven’t done. This is probably compounded by the fact that my birthday is in December, the month when people begin to collectively do the same thing. It’s been a pretty good year. It’s been a busy year. I feel like this year kind of got away from me. That’s probably why I’ve been thinking about time and balance a lot lately. Things seem to move so quickly, and I don’t seem to have enough time (or energy) for all the things I want to do.  If you asked any supervisor I’ve had at any job, they would probably tell you I’m great at these things because they only know me as an employee. And I’m a damn good employee.

But what about all of the other ways I identify myself? That is where I get stuck, and I can only assume that many other people have the same struggle. I sometimes lose direction without the structure of being an employee, and that sucks. Even today, I took the day off work, and I laid in bed for at least an hour trying to decide what I wanted to do with my day only to find myself in a coffee shop with my laptop doing this. Don’t worry. I’m seeing Lady Gaga tonight, so it’s not an entirely lonely day.

Creativity and art, and having an outlet are important to me. That’s why I have this website and it’s really not very good if we’re being honest. That is also why I spend a lot of time observing the art and creative outlets of others. I admire it and am envious of their drive and talent that I have convinced myself don’t have. But there is so much more I want to do that I only think about because where would I fit it in the time that I have? If we’re talking about numbers alone, I probably have the time. It’s finding the energy that becomes the problem. If you’re an introvert, and you have a job that involves dealing with people all day everyday, you can likely relate. Working with the public is exhausting in general, but it’s a million times worse if you are a more introverted person. It drains you to the point, that you don’t have much left by the end of the day, and you look forward to the weekends because you can close the blinds, and watch an entire season of a TV show on Netflix and (this is key) speak to no one except maybe your cats. Harrison has a hard time understanding this. He likes to tell me that I’m the only person standing in my own way, which is true, sort of. But then it becomes a question of self-care. Do I sacrifice that for a while? I don’t know what the right answer is.

I’m a millennial. One thing that is true of millennials is that we crave meaningful work. I only find that to be true of my job a small part of the time. The rest of it is corporate bullshit, office politics, and “leaders” making shitty decisions.

I could get a new job, and believe me, I’m working on it. It’s hard to sell yourself with a piece of paper. It’s a cruel guessing game they play in HR departments everywhere. All of us are sending in these documents, hoping we used the right key words, so a computer will tell a human they should maybe take another look or call us or (holy shit) meet us in person. I hate every piece of that process.

In the meantime, I need to recalibrate the amount of energy I put into my job and shift it to other areas of my life. It is in my nature to work hard and care a lot, sometimes to the detriment of myself. I get it from my dad. Work, contribute to a 401K, retire happy. Minus the mountain of student loan debt that is going nowhere fast, I’m doing those things with about a C average. I have to start finding things that fulfill me. As I get older the regret starts creeping in, and I do not want to be on my death bed thinking about all of the things I wish I would have made time for. The happy retirement piece might be questionable if I keep going the direction I’m going.

This is a sad birthday blog. Sorry. I’m happy. But I’m trying to figure out how to be happier as I plant myself solidly in my 30s. Being an adult doesn’t have to be plagued by things you have to do but don’t really want to, right?